Musings & Memories Montage
Telling My Stories and Discovering Your Stories

My Dad Called: "Are ya'll staying warm?"
02/06/07

His real question is: How is Billy doing walking to and from the train?

So ... what I really have to tell you about is "the unfriendly New Yorkers."

I grew up in Dallas, TX. I have lived in the DFW metroplex and in East Texas. I did not know it was possible to feel like vapor. My presence was always acknowledged in some way ... just because I breathed.

I have also visited Portland, Oregon for a year. I say visited because almost as soon as I got there, I wanted to leave. We wouldn't even open up a local banking account. Why? Because unless a person knows you in Portland, Oregon people do not even acknowledge that you are taking up space. You are vapor.

I wanted to go back to Texas. My husband wanted out of Oregon but wanted to find a way to stay in the NW -- in Washington. Nothing was working out. So we papered the nation with his resume and within 30 minutes, Billy was sure we were moving to NY. And the short of it is that we did.

I expected more of the same aloofness. Instead ... I am in a new form of culture shock. I can smile and receive smiles -- not suspicion-filled scowls. I can be just standing around taking up space and suddenly be in conversation. I can laugh quietly to myself about something overheard at the next table in the cafe ... and suddenly I am included in the group's conversation -- with my opinion sought. I can ask questions and get detailed answers. I can pass someone and ask about the book they are carrying. I can find myself walking next to a stranger on the sidewalk and suddenly we're talking about our surroundings and observations.

It is like being back in Texas ... people love to talk ... interact ... have opinions ... hear opinions.

I had a realtor tell me I just know how to bring out the best in New Yorkers but ... it's not just me ... for example .... I offer up one proof: The Starbucks here have regulars and the regulars have a "Regulars Club." If you become involved in conversation with one of the regulars, you will very likely soon be in conversation with all of the regulars who are present. If your coffee shop has a "Regulars Club" like this, you know what I mean ... (if it doesn't, I'll pass on my infiltration tips that I used in Oregon -- just ask.)

AND ...

Let's talk about how it is that my husband is staying warm in sub-freezing weather when he has to hike 1.5 miles to the train station.

My husband is not a small man. He wears an imposing full-length, black duster coat. He takes a backpack with him to work every day. Up until recently it's been dark when he leaves the house. And still ... all of that imposing figure stuff figured in .... almost every morning ... He walks away from the house ... and someone stops and picks him up.

We do not know the people in the small town we live in. It's not always the same someone. Sometimes it's someone who has spoken with him at the train station ... sometimes it's someone who has only observed him at the train station. Sometimes it's someone he talks to every morning. Sometimes it's a lady. Sometimes it's a gentleman.

Every evening he has to change trains. Sometimes there is a person there who sees him and brings him the rest of the way home. If not, he comes on the next train to our town. More often than not ... someone there offers him a ride home.

Sunday he tried to walk home from the A&P (a little further a way) ... Nope. He didn't make it home on foot that day, either. Yep, another complete stranger (with tips on hiking Germany dirt cheep, by the way).

They say the unfriendliness is worse down by the city ... but ... last Thursday, at Grand Central, people volunteered info when they saw it would be useful, stopped short so that I could take photos uninterrupted, smiled if I smiled, and answered any question I had.

I told my dad this and he said, "People talk about how unfriendly New Yorkers are -- but I'm just not believing it's true anymore."

Yeah! Me neither, Daddy!
(8)
Last comment made by Sophie ~ 02/15/07
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Comments
Terri B. 02/06/07
I like your description of being like vapor. I hadn't thought of it that way before, but it really does fit. I live in So Cal but did not grow up here. I leave the state often and have wonderful visits in other places where people are just darned friendly. So Cal is an interesting place. I find friendliness in places where you would least expect it (say in L.A. proper) and I'm treated like vapor (or sometimes with downright hostility and suspicion) in places that I would expect people to behave the opposite. The worst areas are the most "family oriented" suburban ones. You are either "us" or "them" in these places and you practically need an introduction and references to become a part of these communities! Thanks for the great post.

~ I know what you mean about the suburban sites. West Plano, TX is a good place to stay away from as far as trying to break into the social scene. Now ... as far as coffee shops in W.Plano go ... we've heard that we're the only ones that know how to warm them up out there ... but I know that's not true because I've seen others do it. It usually starts with being friendly and dropping a name ... your own name. If a body can smile and say "Hi. My name's ____ I see you in here a lot. Are you pleased with that book / computer / drink?" -- USUally there's a friendly response to be had.

What we've discovered is that if there's a group already present that is already mixing the crowd up ... then it's s friendlier atmosphere faster ... because there's already an existing expectation.

I don't know how one would move that from coffee shops to communities ... but ...

Nice to have you dropping by again. Thanks for the input.
~pam
DaughterV 02/06/07
Sweet coat! Does he have a hat to match? I am really surprised at the fact that random people offer him rides. I don't even think people in Texas where that friendly.

I have become such a home body since the wedding that I don't notice the hostility much anymore. It doesn't help that the area i now work is in comparison to say Gresham - much friendlier. For example i went into a new coffee shop (great) and the very first visit i was already getting answers about his business and he was already asking me questions about what I did and was my wedding ring vintage(it's not). It was a really great experience and he remembers me when I come in now. It helps that the place is only 7 weeks old and ran by 3 people.

I'm sure this comparing texas to oregon will come up again in the Shifting Gear stories. Although at this rate it might not be until summer, lol.

~ LOL yeah I can see a lot of that coming up ... eventually ...

Find out if that coffee shop owner is native Oregonian.

Nope no hat to match it yet. Right now he has the ever practical, very useful hood with a brim. We're considering re-doing the purchase next year in brown ... and a brown hat. We will see.
~pam
daisies 02/06/07
: ) that sounds so wonderful!! i am finding my city becoming less and less friendly as the years go by which saddens me because when i first moved here (15 yrs ago), it was the friendliest city, people would talk and smile with you everywhere ... sigh ...

~Hey Daisies! Very nice to see you again, too. Alright ... here's the deal ... try this ... walk around smiling like you have a big secret (think up one) ... then start nodding to people as a greeting ... then after you've seen these people for a couple of days in the same place, start asking them how their day is going ... or tell them good morning in the evening ... or ask them about their book.

We got fed up in Oregon and started doing that ... after a couple of weeks people stopped freaking out and started telling us their stories.

Well and plus ... deep inside ... we were enjoying freaking them out. Served 'em right for being so snobby / scared.

Anyway ... then, maybe it will work like the coffee shops ... you'll set up an expectation in people that they are going to meet up with someone friendly.

Hey a body can hope

~pam
Sofia Q 02/07/07
I love that story!!! Nope us New Yorkers are not unfriendly. This is why I am sometimes I am afraid to leave this state because it can't get any friendlier than this. Billy forward me this to read. I guess he thought I need some cheering up. Seems that he has become a New Yorker already.LOL!!! Hope you are doing well!!!

~ LOL I thought of you when I was writing this ... how quick you were to take me under your wing at the Christmas party. Thanks!

Yes, we are having a hard time thinking of leaving ... originally we thought ... oh 2 or 3 years ... but now we hesitate over that thought.
~pam
Kim 02/07/07
I used to visit NY frequently and I lived on Long Island for three months after graduation. I always loved the city, but the people were definately friendlier on Long Island. Though I never had a bad experience in Manhattan either for that matter. I miss that city and the shows, which is why we always used to drive up...we'd catch a matinee, then have dinner, catch an evening show and then drive the four hours home. Ah youth.

~ Ah, yes indeed ... youth! Very nice to see you Kim! I'm following your "non-diet" progress and I'm very proud of you! ~pam
Sari 02/07/07
I moved up to the Seattle area from Southern California and felt less than vapor. I probably sent out fifty resumes and didn't get one reply. And I wasn't unqualified!

Once a boyfriend and I went to Casper, Wyoming (don't ask, it involved a map, a blindfold and a few pushpins! ha ha). We found out after we got there that we couldn't rent a car because we were both under 25...so we walked everywhere.

People came up to us every place we went and said "Hey! Aren't you The Walkers?" It broke the ice everywhere we went.

New York is great, I don't know how I'd feel about living there but I visited once and loved it. I love that it's so vital and alive.

~Sari, OMGoodness! My favorite interview question was one my husband encountered in Portland: "Of all of the 50 states, if you could throw one out, which one would it be and why?"

Billy was blessed with brilliance in the moment and replied, "You know, no one's ever asked me that question before. I'd have to think about that."

The interviewer had enough good sense to drop the matter.

But yeah the job market is so tight up there and the attitude so exclusive that the locals are always hired first. That's an absolute fact.

My husband reminded me that we were told there use to be a huge billboard up at PDX that said, "You can visit but you have to go home." I totally believe it.

So in Casper did they offer to give you a lift? And that sounds like a really fun way to plan a trip!
~pam
Terri B. 02/13/07
I'm laughing pretty hard over here! I love your response to Daisies. My husband and I do this very thing when we go into "unfriendly" territory. Sometimes we scare people with our friendliness. I actually had a woman jump when I smiled and said hello a couple of days ago. I mean really ... how scary can a 4'11" person be???

~ LOL Isn't that just crazy? But it happened all the time when we were in Oregon. Few people seem to give it a second thought here. Which thrills me.

Thanks for the laugh!
~pam
Sophie 02/15/07
I love descriptions of how people live day-to-day, not just the drama days, but just the ordinary days. Thanks for the description!

Even though metro Atlanta is a southern city, it is getting less and less friendly. I think people are just afraid of being a crime victim; protective, not really unfriendly. Sad that it comes to that, though!

~Hey Sophie! I'm glad you enjoyed it. I know what you mean about the victim fear. It's definitely a factor. Glad to see you out and about. Are you writing again? I'll come look. ~pam
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