A bit back I started talking about my Adult ADD. I am not writing from solid ground of research and I am currently separated from one of my favorite books on the topic. So right now, I am just talking about me. But one of the things about ADD people is that we crave challenge.

About six years ago I made a momentary reconnect with my first grade teacher. Perspective ... think 1964. There were several things that made me rememberable. I was one of her first ever students. My mom actively participated in my education. My mom put flowers in my hair. My mom remained friends with my teacher for several years. They lost touch through various changes in life. I rediscovered her through the Internet. And then she disappeared. I pretend she lives on a remote island off the coast of Washington, now.

It was a great conversation as we quickly caught up on all those years that flew by. Anyone watching the conversation should have been able to diagnose me right there as ADD. I pace when I'm on the phone. This particular moment I was trapped in my bedroom for the sake of my husband's work pace ... so my conversation wouldn't interfere with his own phone calls and thoughts. So yeah I pace ... I was pacing up and down my bed!

She said to me ... "One thing I know about you is that you are never happy without a challenge." My mind flew back to first grade reading circle. To something I'd never understood from any point in the time line – first I couldn't understand why they didn't understand ... later I couldn't understand why I didn't understand.

Back in those days sight-reading was making it's tour. I was one of the Dick and Jane children. In reading circle there was a chart ... a path winding it's way across the bulletin board. The adult version of the plan was that we the children would learn a word or two every day and move along the path.

My version of the plan was simple: Pick the most difficult word. Learn it. Be done. Obviously if a body could know the longest, hardest word, then they were the best and didn't need to be bothered by details. Ironically, back then, "cannot" was always one word and, of course, it was the word. My teacher and I had discussionS about our plans. She was stubborn. So was I.

I remember some tid-bit reaching my ears ... my second grade teacher said to my mother. "Oh don't worry about it. I have to reteach them all anyway. This reading method that they're trying out doesn't work." hmmm so ... I'm thinking that in some form or fashion ... I won some sort of uh victory?

My second grade teacher's methods were tedious. My whole impression of second grade is a long long road of tedious little pencil markings. But she must of won because now I read ... 10 or so books at one time. Yeah. Depends on mood, topic of research, location, etc. I also don't really consider a book read until I tire of it. This does not mean that I've read every word in the book, front to back. I do not tire of a book until I do not need it as a constant source for my ponderings. Then the book goes on my bookshelf. It is not sold. It is not given away. It is off-line storage of my thoughts and emotions.

So ... now we have it. In the past few months I have discovered all manner of challenges that involve blogging, writing, monetizing my writing ... etc etc. So ... How do I tell ya'll this? Oh I don't know can anybody guess? I'm having focus issues! The blog is winning. I want to keep playing with my blog ... and all my new fellow bloggers. Blogs are always surprising. Never tedious. Bloggers who are blogging about just stuff are fun.

I want the story that chose me this year for NaNoWriMo to be told. But NaNoWriMo is tedious. It feels like second grade. A novel is suppose to stack one thing upon another. I hate tying and stacking and bundling. I have proof of that. There's a little storage space that's rapidly filling with boxes that need to be tied, stacked, and bundled and recycled.

My loving husband would love for me to figure out ways to bring in money with my writing. He's convinced I should be writing ... writing my own stories ... but that I should be making money off of it. And I have some ideas that I find interesting and challenging and I want to play with them. And, yeah, I know. You want to know the secret of it all as soon as I find it. Okay ... but I'll have to charge you for it.

No, really, seriously, my stomach is in a knot over this. Sigh, the dog wants to go out walking. The dishes from yesterday are still not washed. For some reason three loads of laundry yesterday wasn't enough. I keep wanting to feel "let off the hook" re NaNoWriMo but all I feel is angry that I'm sitting here whining and not writing the novel.

So anyway, part of having Adult ADD and finally knowing it, is knowing that I am in a double resentment stage of the novel 1) it keeps presenting itself as either tedious or the straw that broke the camels back (the challenge I should have left alone) and 2) I resent that I'm suppose to be mature enough to understand this about myself and figure out which one is the lie ... is it really more than I should take on? OR am I just finding ways to procrastinate against it because I'm convinced it has to be tedious?

Dog and I have gone walking. ... with my timer aka cell phone.

Never mind ... I think that knot is a stomach virus ... I'm going to bed.

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